Britain, 55 BC, Julius Caesar (Ronan Vibert) is just about to invade Britain, but since he and his army can't find a proper landing spot, they retreat and only take one Celtic princess, Dwyfuc (Doon Mackichan) prisoner - to lure the proper landing spot out of her by making her part of the high society ... which Dwyfuc immediately begins to enjoy - and she especially enjoys the stud, Firmus (Tristan Gemmill), who shags the location of the landing spot out of her ...

Back in Dwyfuc's villagethe villagers for some reason entrust the task of freeing Dwyfuc to clumsy Worthaboutapig (Sally Phillips), who has never succeeded in anything in her life and who doesn't even succeed in seducing her French would-be-lover Jean (Philippe De Grossouvre) because of her small boobs.

Worthaboutapig soon realizes she is simply not made to save anyone, least of all from the Romans, so she goes looking for her warrior sister, Smirgut (Fiona Allen) to give her some assistance - only problem, Smirgut hates Dwyfuc.

During the course of the events, Worthaboutapig is sold into slavery, Dwyfuc and Smirgut reconcile, the three girls are captured and thrown into the arena, and ultimately Worthaboutapig is beheaded by Goth gladiator Schlaffwaffe (Joe Montana) ... but it doesn't end there, as Dwyfuc and Smirgut decide to get Worthaboutapig back from the land of the dead - only to make her face Schlaffwaffe again ... but this time she wins by biting him where it hurts - ouch.

Ultimately the three girls make it back to Britain just too late to warn their village of the Roman invasion - but Worthaboutapig chases away the Romans anyhow thanks to her power over bees. And in the end she even manages to seduce Jean because she got bigger boobs in the Netherworld ...

Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan and Sally Phillips were the lead actresses and driving forces behind Smack the Pony, a very British sketch comedy TV show revolving around the three women that ran from 1999 to 2001 and that was actually pretty funny. However, translating their style of comedy into a feature film with narrative and everything, and what's more, a feature film set in Ancient Britain/Ancient Rome failed rather miserably, and thus Gladiatress comes across as a chaotic collection of grade B sight gags, fart jokes, bad slapstick and tired oneliners, held together by a too-silly-to-be-true and not all that funny story - and unsurprisingly, despite some mild smiles here and there, the film fails to work - which above all else is a waste of talent.

Too bad !

review � by Mike Haberfelner

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
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special appearances by
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directed by
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written by
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produced by
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