For decades now, scores of women have disappeared in the Ironbound district, Newark, New Jersey, and nobody seems to have any kin d of explanation for it, nobody but retired Detective Steele (Dennis Drenth), who has come to the conclusion that it must be vampires ... but with an explanation just like this, he has of course been ridiculed by his superiors and colleagues alike when he was still on the force, so he has decided to turn his investigations into the supernatural into a book ...

Of course, steele is right, there really is a vampire in Ironbound (hence the title), the incredibly wealthy Tom Lane (Richard Matyskiel), who has orignially died on the battlegrounds of World War I but has somehow been transformed into a vampire and was shipped back to America ... to haunt Ironbound. But as it goes with these immortals, Tom Lane is haunted by those he has killed, and even though he will probably live forever, he won't be granted happiness ...

Eventually Detective Steele contacts Doc Helen Williams (Suzanne Lenore), an investigator into the paranormal in her own right, and they start investigating together ... and before you know it, Helen is provided with the vital clue leading to the coffins of Tom's minions ... and when they are opened and the corpses inside immediately go up in flames, everybody's convinced they are dealing in vampires.

Then Doc Williams and Tom Lane come eye to eye, and Lane, who has all motivation to live, attacks her with the sole purpose that she will decapitate him - which she does ...

Ed Wood veteran Conrad Brooks plays the vampire's manservant, Ed Wood actress Dolores Fuller one of his party guests, while Seduction weirdo John link plays one of the vampire's henchman.

Ironbound Vampire starts out really interesting, as a vampire movie working more on mood than on effects or narration - then though the plot sets in, and the film deteriorates and turns out to be nothing more than a collection of vampire movie clich�s not even held together by stringent storytelling. The film is of course also not helped by bland made-for-video aesthetics, uninventive direction and mediocre acting. Rather a waste of time.

review � by Mike Haberfelner

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

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Robots and rats,
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Your Bones to
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