Mosquito (Franco Nero), Memphis (Telly Savalas) and Maria (Ely Galleani) are holding up a jeweller, but the thing seems to be doomed from the beginning: First Memphis shoots someone, then they totally crash their car within minutes of their getaway, and then they find out all they have robbed are two boxes loaded with cutlery. But then they find a fourteen year old boy, Lennox (Mark Lester) in their second getaway car, who turns out to be a diplomat's son, and they figure with him as hostage they can at least make good their getaway ... but thing is, Memphis is a bit of a loose cannon, and when he at one point finds Maria, Mosquito's girlfriend, gone, he goes after her and brutally rapes and kills her.

In the meantime, Mosquito tries to make his getaway on foot and take the boy with him to the next village to release him - but when they are spending the night at a Principessa's (Maria Michi) mansion, who believes them to be honest and honourable citizens, Memphis catches up with them and makes them his captives ... and soon enough everything amounts to a game of cat-and-mouse between Memphis and Mosquito, where it's not quite clear who's the cat and who's the mouse.

The whole thing climaxes in the trio running into a German family camping in the countryside whom Memphis locks into their trailer before pushing the trailer into a nearby lake to watch them drowning - ouch.

Thing is, young and impressionable Lennox is everything but repulsed by this action, he has by now taken a liking to Mosquito and tries to imitate the two gangsters' way of life ... and when in the finale both of them are shot dead by the police when trying to cross the border, Lennox puts up their gun and fires some shots as if he wanted to protect them nevertheless ...

So-so exploitation movie that has a few memorable if gruesome scenes - like Maria totally trashing their getaway car or Memphis drowning the Germans - and is mainly carried by a purposely overacting Telly Savalas and a restrained Franco Nero ... but on the other hand, the whole coming-of-age subtext is about as terribly clich�d as it is unbelievable, and a very bland young Mark Lester is doing little to bring his role to life.

Definitely this is not the worst film out there, and it even features some interesting concepts ... but then again, you might have seen much better elsewhere.

review � by Mike Haberfelner

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

now streaming at

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Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
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love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
is all of that.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to -
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
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tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

Out now from
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