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Gladiatress
UK 2004
produced by Graham Broadbent, Bruce Davey, Damian Jones, Andrew Hauptman (executive), Nick Hill (executive), Jim Reeve (executive), Paul Tucker (executive) for Mission Pictures, Stock Productions, Visionview/Icon Entertainment
directed by Brian Grant
starring Sally Phillips, Doon Mackichan, Fiona Allen, David Hayman, Ronan Vibert, Philippe De Grossouvre, Anna Wilson-Jones, Nicholas Le Prevost, Tristan Gemmill, Marcia Warren, Joe Montana, Sandra Reinton, Rory MacGregor, Pam Ferris, Brendan O'Hea, William Chubb, Dorian MacDonald, Nicola Stephenson, Dermot Keaney, Bruno Lastra, Joe Fraser, Frederick Allouard-Rubin, Lenny Peters, Julian Rivett, Cliff Parisi, George Yiasoumi, Lloyd Hutchinson, Pauline Lockhart, Mark Benton, Nick Cavaliere, Hugh Sachs, Adam Fogerty, Steve Benham, Josh Connor, Nic Main, Kee Ramsorrun, Oliver Ford Davies
written by Nick Whitby, music by James Seymour Brett, visual effects by Men from Mars
review by Mike Haberfelner
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Available on DVD! To buy, click on link(s) below and help keep this site afloat (commissions earned) |
Always make sure of DVD-compatibility!!!
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Britain, 55 BC, Julius Caesar (Ronan Vibert) is just about to invade
Britain, but since he and his army can't find a proper landing spot, they
retreat and only take one Celtic princess, Dwyfuc (Doon Mackichan)
prisoner - to lure the proper landing spot out of her by making her part
of the high society ... which Dwyfuc immediately begins to enjoy - and she
especially enjoys the stud, Firmus (Tristan Gemmill), who shags the
location of the landing spot out of her ...
Back in Dwyfuc's villagethe villagers for some reason entrust the task
of freeing Dwyfuc to clumsy Worthaboutapig (Sally Phillips), who has never
succeeded in anything in her life and who doesn't even succeed in seducing
her French would-be-lover Jean (Philippe
De Grossouvre) because of her small boobs.
Worthaboutapig soon realizes she is simply not made to save anyone,
least of all from the Romans, so she goes looking for her warrior sister,
Smirgut (Fiona Allen) to give her some assistance - only problem, Smirgut
hates Dwyfuc.
During the course of the events, Worthaboutapig is sold into slavery,
Dwyfuc and Smirgut reconcile, the three girls are captured and thrown into
the arena, and ultimately Worthaboutapig is beheaded by Goth gladiator
Schlaffwaffe (Joe Montana) ... but it doesn't end there, as Dwyfuc and
Smirgut decide to get Worthaboutapig back from the land of the dead - only
to make her face Schlaffwaffe again ... but this time she wins by biting
him where it hurts - ouch.
Ultimately the three girls make it back to Britain just too late to
warn their village of the Roman invasion - but Worthaboutapig chases away
the Romans anyhow thanks to her power over bees. And in the end she even
manages to seduce Jean because she got bigger boobs in the Netherworld ...
Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan and Sally Phillips were the lead actresses
and driving forces behind Smack the Pony, a very British sketch
comedy TV show revolving around the three women that ran from 1999 to 2001
and that was actually pretty funny. However, translating their style of
comedy into a feature film with narrative and everything, and what's more,
a feature film set in Ancient Britain/Ancient Rome failed rather
miserably, and thus Gladiatress comes across as a chaotic
collection of grade B sight gags, fart jokes, bad slapstick and tired
oneliners, held together by a too-silly-to-be-true and not all that funny
story - and unsurprisingly, despite some mild smiles here and there, the
film fails to work - which above all else is a waste of talent.
Too bad !
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