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Edward Penishands

USA 1991
produced by
Tori Welles for Video Team
directed by Paul Norman
starring Sikki Nixx (as Nikki Sixx), Jeanna Fine, Alexandria Quinn, Ashley Nicole, Jamie Leigh, Dominique Simone, Jon Dough
written by Paul Norman, special effects by Mark Garbarino

review by
Mike Haberfelner

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Patricia (Alexandria Quinn), a door-to-door dildo-saleswoman, tries to make some business in the local creepy castle type of place, instead she finds an almost-finished and already very much alive artificial human, Edward (Sikki Nixx), who has penisses where his hands are supposed to be. After trying out Edward's advantages on scenes, she decides to take him home with her - where it doesn't take him long to fall in love with Patricia's daughter Susan (Jeanna Fine), who likes nothing better than to try out the dildo samples of her mother with her friends. Unfortunately though, Susan finds Edward gross, while all the other women in the neighbourhood love what he has to give ... and they take it, too.

Heart-broken over Susan's refusal, Edward returns to his castle, but then Susan comes to the realisation that Edward might have his possibilities, sex-wise, and she follows him. I don't need to tell you what follows, do I?


The concept of this film is pretty much explained in the title, it's a hardcore porn-parody Edward Scissorhands with penisses where the scissors are supposed to be where the fingers are supposed to be. If you find this concept particularly funny is up to you I suppose (Edward Scissorhands-director Tim Burton himself has in an interview as good as endorsed the movie, actually), but one thing's for certain, this is one porn parody that has actually earned this label because it has integrated the sex into the very story of the film instead of just tagged sex scenes onto some sequences aping whatever movie.

By trying to pass judgement over Edward Penishands, one can't help but admit that director Paul Norman has obviously understood Tim Burton's satiric asides on suburbia and tries to replicate at least some of Burton's visual language and subtle humour on a much tighter budget, and Sikki Nixx' Edward is pretty much spot-on, too, without being too much of a bland Johnny Depp rip-off. And yet, at the end of the day the film is still little more than a one-trick pony, running on the joke that its main character has penis in place of hands, and once this novelty has worn off and you have finished to compare the film to the original, there's little else that makes the film special and whether or not you're going to like it depends on how much you like the girls and the sex - which at least makes the film pretty ok for a porn parody I guess ...


review © by Mike Haberfelner


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Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
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shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

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Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.


Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner


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On the same day
a Burglar wants to kill you
and your Ex wants
to make up ...
... and for the life of it,
you can't decide


A Killer Conversation

produced by and starring
Melanie Denholme
directed by
David V.G. Davies
written by
Michael Haberfelner
Ryan Hunter and
Rudy Barrow

out now on DVD