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If I Can't Have You

USA 2022
produced by
Tennille Taraszkiewicz (executive), Harley Wallen (co) for Tennille T. Productions
directed by Matthew Santia, Peter Poulos
starring Tennille Taraszkiewicz, Todd Calvin De Pew, Matthew Santia, Mandy Logsdon, Brian Boynton, Harley Wallen, Kristin Vandermeer, Allyson L. Smith, Nicole Summers, Joseph Sheldon Quick, George Poulos, Renee McBride, Rachel Williams, Isaac Clark, Derek McBride
written by Matthew Santia, Todd Calvin De Pew, music by Fred Evans, Collin Brefka, special makeup effects by Mary Fargo, Joseph Sheldon Quick

review by
Mike Haberfelner

Diane (Tennille Taraszkiewicz) is a psychologist who's on the berge of falling in love with Austin (Brian Boynton), a young and handsome patient of hers, and the feelings appear to be mutual - best exemplified when he kills a stalker (Harley Wallen) who's harrassing her, and she takes the blame for it, and is let off on grounds of self defense. But she also has an over-protective sister, Barb (Mandy Logsdon), who believes everybody's out to kill Diane and applies all means of (self-)defense to keep herself and Diane safe - even if her knowledge of how to defend oneself stems 100% from mediocre slasher movies. And then there's Oliver (Matthew Santia), Diane's assistant and gay best friend who's not at all fond of Austin for purely unreasonable, personal reasons. So trying to have a quiet date with Austin proves to be a tad difficult - even if one doesn't factor in Diane's psychopath son, River (Todd Calvin De Pew), who wants his mother for himself and tries to kill everybody who gets in his way - especially his mother's lovers ...


Now it's quite obvious that If I Can't Have You takes quite a few pages out of the Scream playbook - what with Barb's obsession with slasher movies and her predilection for applying "lessons" learned from them to real life situations. But that said, If I Can't Have You is anything but a copycat movie, it's actually a pretty well-written horror comedy that neither suffocates its storyline in jokes nor just veers off into melodrama every now and again but finds the right balance between humour and horror, also thanks to a horror-savvvy direction. And a solid cast clearly in on the joke but not playing it just for laughs only helps making this pretty funny genre entertainment.

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review © by Mike Haberfelner


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Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

is all of that.


Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.


Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner


Out now from




On the same day
a Burglar wants to kill you
and your Ex wants
to make up ...
... and for the life of it,
you can't decide


A Killer Conversation

produced by and starring
Melanie Denholme
directed by
David V.G. Davies
written by
Michael Haberfelner
Ryan Hunter and
Rudy Barrow

out now on DVD