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I Know Who Killed Me
Ich weiss, wer mich getötet hat

USA 2007
produced by
Fred Mancuso jr, Tom Gores (executive), Johnny O.Lopez (executive) for 360 Pictures
directed by Chris Sivertson
starring Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough, Brian Geraghty, Garcelle Beauvais, Spencer Garrett, Michael Adler, Gregory Itzin, Cornelia Guest, Thomas Tofel, Kaitlyn Lee, Paula Marshall, Brian McNamara, Michael Esparza, David Figlioli, Jane Galloway Heitz, Bonnie Aarons, Megan Henning, Kenya Moore, Jenniver O'Kain, Michael Papajohn, Colleen Porch, Jessica Rose, Rodney Worland, Donavan Scott, Marc Senter, Eddie Steeples, Theo Kypri, David A.Kimball, Will Shaffer, David Weisenberg, Art Bell, Jason Wilburn, Jesse Hlubik
written by Jeff Hammond, music by Joel McNeely, animatronics by Jeff Jingle/JML Film, visual effects by 11:11 Mediaworks

review by
Mike Haberfelner

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A record breaker at the Golden Rhaspberry Awards 2008, winning an unprecedented 8 Razzies, in almost every category it was nominated (including worst picture, worst director, worst screenplay and worst actress Lindsay Lohan) - though this record seems to be somewhat fabricated since Lohan won two Razzies for the worst performance (she plays a dual role) even though she was only nominated once, so go figure. But probably the whole award shower had more to do with Lindsay Lohan bashing, which became quite fashionable in early 2008, and with gloating over the film's poor box office performance than anything else.

So the question remains: Is the film really that bad?

Yes and now, in my view, it's a bad movie alright, but it's not that bad, at least not in every department: First of all, Lindsay Lohan is no good actress, we all know that - but at least she has enough charisma to carry the movie - not always an easy task, which you will see. Secondly the direction by Chris Sivertson is impersonal and functional at best - so no worse than many an Academy Award winner of recent years. Thirdly though, the script ... oh boy - but see for yourself:

 


The film actually starts out quite interesting and intelligent: Model student Aubrey is kidnapped one day and nowhere to be found, and only the audience knows she was brutally cut up by some maniac or other (which is shown in great detail, so at least the film doesn't shy away from gore). Later Aubrey is found, with one hand and one leg missing, and is rushed off to a hospital - but when she is questioned by the FBI and is reunited with her parents (Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough), she claims she isn't Aubrey the model student at all but a stripper called Dakota - even if DNA tests prove the opposite.

Since nobody believes her and Aubrey's parents even let her stay with them, she is starting investigations on her own and ... and here it gets silly: Dakota finds out that she has to be Aubrey's identical twin and is suffering from identical twin stigmata - which means because the madman cut off Aubrey's hand and leg, she just spontaneously lost hers as well ... what?

Eventually, Aubrey's father admits that he has brought identical twins to the USA from New Zealand (why New Zealand?) after her wife's baby died, and while Aubrey was placed in mommy's care instead of the dead baby, Dakota was left with some drug addict (who accepted the baby as hers exactly because?).

Anyways, obviously, Aubrey's tormentor has something to do with some award that is always kept out of Aubrey's reach (?), but eventually, on a graveyard, she gets her hands on it and knows exactly where Aubrey is held right away - as it is a piano-playing award so the killer must be Aubrey's piano teacher (Thomas Tofel) because ...

The problem is though that Aubrey is presently being buried alive, and once she suffocates this is the end of Dakota as well (you know, the identical twin stigmata thing) - which means Dakota has to rush to her rescue, and of course, she first has to fight and defeat Aubrey's piano teacher ... which she does, and in the end, she digs up Aubrey just in time to save her life.

 

So yes, the Razzie for worst screenplay was absolutely justified, as it contains a wagonload of unlikely, unreasonable plottwists even the giallo-genre (the Italian version of the serial killer murder mystery, known for its many unlikely and unreasonable plottwists) would have shied away from, and obviously, it sunk the whole movie with it: Even a much better actress than Lindsay Lohan, a much better director than Chist Sivertson would not have been able to turn the film around.

The final question: Is the movie any good?

Well, it's good for a laugh, that's for sure, but it's not something you should watch - though admittedly, I have seen much worse (but also much funnier).

 

Oh, and by the way, the fact that Lindsay lohan plays a stripper doesn't mean whe gets naked int he film, actually, she just does a lame dance routine in a supposedly sexy outfit - without stripping anything.

 

review © by Mike Haberfelner

 

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

 

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

 

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

 

now streaming at

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Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

is all of that.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
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a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
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Out now from
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