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Conspiracy theorist Douglas (Paul Rhys) promises to make some great revelations
shaking the foundations of virtually everything in both his book & at the
next conspiracy theory conference. But despite that conference is to be a
high-security-affair, he lives in constant fear of his life - & his fears
are justified since just about everyone wants to kill him: his wife Judith
(Arabella Weir), who wants to make a fortune of his book - without having to
share - & has hired Magda (Joanna Kanska) to rid herself of her hubby, his
former psychotic lover Anabel (Angeline Ball), Bulstrode & Lacey (Charlie
Higson & Tim Wallers) of the secret World Gouvernment, who have hired the
killer Swift (Simon Day), the inept terrorist organization Hammer Of God, and
then there are of course some Arabs ...
So, to stay alive during the conference, Douglas hires private detective
Jeff Randall (Bob Mortimer) & Jeannie (Emilia Fox) - girlfriend of
Randall's dead partner Marty Hopkirk (Vic Reeves), who is still helping out
Jeff as a spirit - as bodyguards.
However both Jeff & Jeannie do pretty much everything to neglect their
jobs: while Jeannie soon falls for the charms of Shelley (Alexis Denisof), head
of security of the hotel they are at, Jeff is picked up by Magda - who knows
that he has Douglas's manuscript which she's after - &, upon a promise of
hot sex, lets her tie him onto his hotel bed. It's only thanks to the total
lack of professionalism of most of the killers involved that Douglas stays
alive: the terrorists of Hammer of God pretty much take out themselves without
ever coming close to their prospected victim, Swift is accidently slain by
Anabel, who is then squashed by a Hammer of God-terrorist falling out of a
window. & Magda ... she is shot by the best assassin of the lot, Shelley
himself, who was clever enough to play each party against each other until he
can both get his hands on the book & kill Douglas - & Jeannie, who just
happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It's only thanks to Marty's powers of telekinesis he has just acquired from
his spiritual mentor Wyfern (Tom Baker) that Shelley is put out of action -
when he manages to move the bed Jeff is tied onto through the wall ...
But what about the Arabs you might ask - despite everyone thinking they want
to bomb the place, they just came here to honour Douglas with their Medal of
Peace,.
& what about Douglas's revelations ? They just prove to be news you have
read in yesterday's paper (like 'the president having an affair with another
woman - in the White House'), nothing to kill anyone for - except for reasons
of boredom.
Though the story is not always completely stringent, this is an immensely
funny episode, that almost looks like an episode of the Fast Show
though, as many of the regulars (Charlie Higson, who also co-wrote &
directed this episode, Simon Day, Arabella Weir, Rhys Thomas) of that series show up here in
key roles & its co-scripter, Paul Whitehouse, was also a regular
writer/actor on the Fast Show (he wouldn't appear in this
episode though but in the next one, Blast
from the Past).
Simon Day, by the way, gives the best performance of this episode as rather
dimwitted killer Swift who likes to speak in moronic mataphors like "you want
me to go to the library to take out a book - so to speak - then you want me to
go to the library of souls to take out a soul - ... so to speak."
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