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Buffet Froid
Cold Cuts / Den Mörder trifft man am Buffet

France 1979
produced by
Alain Sarde for Sara Films, Antenne 2
directed by Bertrand Blier
starring Gérard Depardieu, Bernard Blier, Jean Carmet, Geneviève Page, Jean Rougerie, Michel Serrauld, Liliane Rovère, Jean Benguigui, Carole Bouquet, Denice Gence, Marco Perrin, Berndard Crombey, Michel Fortin, Roger Riffard, Maurice Travail, Nicole Desailly, Pierre Frag, Eric Wasberg
written by Bertrand Blier, music by Philippe Sarde

review by
Mike Haberfelner

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At an otherwise empty subway station, Alphonse (Gérard Depardieu) meets a man (Michel Serrault), tells him about his homicidal urges and shows him his knife - not that that would necessarily be a good starting point for a conversation. Then the knife gets stolen, and the man, who still thinks Alphonse wants to kill him, runs away and jumps into the next subway, which leaves before Alphonse can follow. Later, Alphonse finds the man again, lieing on the floor dieing, with Alphonse's knife in his chest. Not yet quite dead, the man offers Alphonse his money ... and gives him back his knife, in case he might need it again.

Back at home - an appartment in a high rise building - Alphonse's wife (Liliane Rovère) thinks little of the whole incident when he tells her about it, and when he shows her his knife still wet with blood, she just puts it into the dishwasher. And even Alphonse's only neighbour in the whole building, inspector Morvandieu (Bernard Blier, father of director Bertrand Blier), couldn't care less about the murder when Alphonse tells him about it ...

The next day, Alphonse's wife is found dead, murdered. That same evening, her murderer (Jean Carmet) shows up on Alphonse's doorstep, and after relating to him exactly who he is he wants to talk about the murder - but Alphonse suggests to just forget it, like he does. Then the inspector shows up on Alphonse's doorstep as well with a bottle of wine, and after Alphonse has introduced him to the murderer ("May I introduce the killer of my wife." - "Pleased to meet you."), the three men have a drink together.

Soon someone else shows up, a certain Mr Léonard (Jean Rougerie), who wants to hire Alphonse - whom he believes to be the killer of the man in the subway - to kill someone. Alphonse agrees to do it, but refuses to take any money ("It would spoil the whole thing."). Ultimately all three man - Alphonse, the inspector and the murderer - go to the appointed address - a parking deck - for the kill ... to realize the victim is Léonard himself. Now they refuse to do it since they c annot kill someone whom they just drank with, but somehow, Léonard gets killed anyhow. Then our trio picks up Léonard's widow (Geneviève Page) and they take her with them to Alphonse's appartment, where soon enough, she and Alphonse prepare to have sex - when suddenly, the murderer begs Alphonse do take him home because he can't stay here for the night but is afraid of the dark. On the way though, the murderer feels one of his homicidal urges again and wants to break into a house to kill a woman - but suddenly he changes his mind and decides to let Alphonse kill the woman as a sort of thank you. Alphonse agrees to it, but he almost gets shot himself.

The very next day, our trio finds the widow in a frenzy, so they call emergency - only to then witness the doctor from emergency (Bernard Crombey) to do nothing more than shag the widow and ask for 150 Francs for it. The trio realizes they've been duped, so they just kill the doctor, then put his body into the trunk of his own car and drive out into the suburbs to hide it ... but on the way they are called to another emergency, and even though they are no doctors. And while the murderer suddenly decides to leabve the others, Alphonse and the inspector look after the emergency - but suddenly it turns out that it is actually a trap for the inspector, who is supposed to be killed with the help of a string quintet (it makes some sense in the film), instead though he kills the string quintet, and when police finally arrives in big numbers, the inspector just lays the blame on the two men who have just stolen their emergency car ...

Back at home, Alphonse and the inspector realize that the murderer has returned before them to kill the widow (which he feels very sorry for), and that there is someone else in the building - a violinist of all things  - whom the inspector has promptly arrested, just because he hates strings.

Soon, our trio  reralizes they don't like the city life as it is to strenuous for them, so they decide to take a vacation in the country - where it's even worse, since everything is damp and cold and the endless chirping of the birds is soon getting on everyone's nerve.

In the country, the three of them meet a professional killer (Jean Benguigui) with a contract on Alphonse. But since the inspector and Alphonse have grown tired of the murderer, they tell the killer that the murderer is Alphonse - and thus they are soon rid of the murderer ... only the contract killer finds out who the real Alphonse is, and so they realize they have to kill him as well - an dthus they hunt him down withthe help of a young woman (Carole Bouquet), who just happens to pass by.

After a successful chase in a rowboat, Alphonse decides to get rid of the inspector as well, just throwing him - a non-swimmer - overboard and watching him drown. Then the woman explains to Alphonse who she really is and why she is here: she is the daughter of the man in the subway who was killed using Alphonse's knife, and she thinks Alphonse did it, so she tracked him down to have her revenge - and thus she throws him, another non-swimmer, overboard and watches him drown ...

 

Quite simply put, a masterpiece !!!

One of the best and most certainly one of the most underrated black comedy there ever was, brought to life by far-out situations and totally absurd but weirdly funny dialogue (e.g. "Who are you ?" - "I'm the killer of your wife." - "Come in, want some soup ?" or "We should stop this slaughter." - "I don't know, could be worse. If more people would be living in this building, there would be way more murders."), paired with atmospheric and stylish direction and of course great actors. Plus, the film is quite unlike anything else you have ever seen, almost experimental, yet totally entertaining.

Highest recommendation !

 

review © by Mike Haberfelner

 

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

 

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

 

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

 

now streaming at

Amazon

Amazon UK

Vimeo

 

 

 

Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

is all of that.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
-
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

 

Out now from
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