Cara Loft (Lauren Hays) is asked by Doctor Scrotus (Roland Lanza) to find the three Wombs, artefacts of some sort that grant man the power of creation. So Cara first travels to Arabia to snatch the first womb from an Arabian Prince (Gustavo Cardenas), for whom she puts on an erotic show with two of his servant girls (Crystal White, Sirena Scott), then it's off to Africa, where Cara seduces the Zulu warrior (Shalimar) to make her give her the second womb. At this point though Natasha (Antoinette Abbott), Scrotus' right hand woman shows up and shoots the warrior dead. Turns out she has been sent by Scrotus to see that his interests are kept.

Cara and Natasha are then off to Tibet, where the third womb is guarded by two female statues (Annie Body, Crystal White), who mysteriously come to life ... and while Cara is busy seducing the two, Natasha snatches the third womb and brings all three to her master.

Furiously, Cara shows up at Scrotus' place and guns down all his guards he sends after her but when she's about to deal with Scrotus, her guns are empty while his is still loaded and she's pretty much at his mercy ... when Natasha changes sides and shoots her master, to keep the wombs from falling into the wrong hands ... and in the end, Cara and Natasha have of course become lovers.

Roland Lanza, who plays Doctor Scrotus, also can be seen as Cara's driver/comic relief).

As you might have guessed from the film's title and synopsis, this is an erotic, low budget take on Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Actually, I'm not sure if it wasn't supposed to be a spoof as well, some scenes suggest it, but as a whole the film just isn't funny enough. What remains is Lauren Hays - who is pretty but certainly no Angelina Jolie and a rather stiff actress - getting into situation after situation in which she has to take of her cloths, endless scenes of her going from A to B mostly topless edited in video clip fashion, routine sex scenes in which the performers by and large seem to lack enthusiasm, and a story way too feeble to hold the whole thing together. Of course, in a way I'm still in favour of every film that blends Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and nudity, but if you want to see a really amusing film along these lines, watch Misty Mundae: Mummy Raider instead.

review � by Mike Haberfelner

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

now streaming at

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Vimeo

Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
is all of that.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to -
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

Out now from
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